Open Letter to All Interviewers

Dear Interviewer,

See, now...this letter begins with a lie. "Dear"? There is nothing "Dear" about you, Interviewer. And there is nothing dear about your God damn job interview, either!

Let's see. I sift through CareerBuilder and Monster--sifting...sifting...sifting through oodles of absolute shit to find the one or 2 jobs that actually hold my interest. If I actually believed your claims that I could make 200K at home or that you're looking for someone with a "Limp Bizkit Attitude", maybe there'd be more. But I'm 28 years old. I've been a college graduate for 6 years, reading the same ads, filling out the same applications, and grinning through the same lies the whole time.

For starters, the position you advertise isn't the one you actually call me about. In fact, it no longer surprises me when you're not even with the same company. The ol' bait n' switch. You say "$50K to work at Company A" and you call me with "sporadic temp work for any number of companies." Still, I schedule an interview and you smile (I can hear you on the other end, you smiling prick) thinking you've got a live one on the line.

I get dressed up in my best (read: only) suit on a scorching Summer's day. I clear my schedule for the whole day; I want to make a good impression. Can't be late. I haul my ass to whatever flimsy plaster shack you occupy with two copies of my resume on expensive paper and two forms of government issued ID. I shake your hand and smile as I try to remember all the basic rules of the interview: namely, remain positive and don't be the first to mention money.

Then, right out of the box you fire the same stupid question at me not once, but over and over again. "And why did you leave that job?" Let's see? Why did I leave the job as a traveling salt salesman?...as a junk yard groundskeeper?...where the boss tried repeatedly to illegally fire me? I wonder, Sherlock, how I'm supposed to remain positive when you bring this up!

Maybe you think it's my life's ambition to be a singing cupcake decorator, or a sandwich slinger, or a Supply Guy. (Note: In my most recent "real" job, "Supply Guy" was my official title.) Maybe you think that, but you're wrong!

Ay, my friends, here's the rub. You're not going to find anybody as honest as I am. And you'll really appreciate that honesty if you ever hire me, but you'll never hire me because of that very same honesty.

You want to know why I left my acting job of 2 and a half years? No matter how many times I tell a complete stranger, it's never going to be a positive story. I left because I was the union steward and that made the bosses nervous. They tried for a year and a half to intimidate me so I'd quit and to come up with bogus write-ups so that they could fire me. When I, through union backing, threatened a federal lawsuit, they backed off. I'm sure that's just what you wanted to hear. He got a bunch of write-ups and threatened to sue? Hire that man!

"So what are you looking for in a job?" A stable, yet flexible schedule. Seems contradictory, no? You asked! Here's where my honesty coming to hurt me again. I'm an actor. I earned a degree in Musical Theatre and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I didn't go through a grueling four years (and believe me...they were grueling) of frequent and resonant rejection just to turn right back around and say, "well, I've got the degree. That's a victory enough for me." Nope. I am still pursuing an acting career. What does that mean to you? If you were smart enough to hire me, you'd see that I'm creative, personable, hard-working, and that I know a lot even on the most random subjects. It also means I'm loyal. Huh? Loyal? That's right! Because acting doesn't pay the bills I have got to supplement my income with your stinkin' job, where you waste my efforts behind a desk, answering a phone or running copies. I won't try to climb the corporate ladder or jump to a competing company for higher pay. If anything, I'll leave your company because one of my auditions went so well that I'm going to be starring in a movie. Now, which would you rather have to explain to your investors: "We lost one of the best and brightest minds in the industry to our competitor because we couldn't pay him enough", or "Dan Marrero used to work here before he got his own sitcom. Maybe he'll do our commercials for a cut rate"? (Note: We'll talk.)

So yeah, Interviewer, I can see that fake smile drain from your face as you look at me as if you're trying not to notice so many eels coming out of my nose. This interviewing is hard, poor little baby, so I'll help you out. You need to ask only two questions...two! Take out a Dixon Ticonderoga #2 and write this down.

1.) Will you do _________ for $_______.__?
2.) Are you lying?

If the answers are yes and no, in either order, HIRE ME!

Glad I could help, jack ass.

Sincerely,
Dan