A message from Santa Claus

I'm not sure I've mentioned this to you kiddies out there, but Santa Claus and I are pretty good friends. I was speaking with him just the other day and he passed on a lot of information. Tips and suggestions, really. As it is Christmas Eve, I felt it appropriate to share some of this with you. From Santa Claus:

You can tell a lot about a child by the presents they ask for. Some examples:

• A child who sits on my lap and asks for more than 5 presents really isn't picky at all and will be just as happy with a pair of roller skates as with a Nintendo Wii.
• A child who wants one really expensive gift, like a PlayStation 3 or a pony is either a spoiled, only child, or should be prepared for disappointment.
• Any child who asks for a pair of shoes so that her mother can dance one more time is clearly contrived of fiction and should probably take tea with the Easter bunny.
• If the child asks for a pair of hop-along boots, he is probably named "Barney" (if not that, "Ben".)
• If the child asks for a hula hoop, he may not be a child at all. Rather, he is probably a chipmunk named "Alvin".
• When a child begins to ask for things like "World peace" or "an end to hunger", that child no longer believes in me and should stop being sent to sit on my lap. I deliver toys, blast it! Toys!!

On that note, here's some advice to the parents. Please stop writing out little "From Santa" tags for things like thermal underwear and socks. My elves and I work very hard all year long to make the finest toys and games...please don't damage my reputation with a 6 pack of mid-calf athletic socks sewn by a family in Honduras. Kids don't want socks, and we don't make 'em. If they need them, fine! Buy them and tell them they're from you!

What else? What else? Ah, yes. The whole chimney thing. I magically appear in your house via the chimney, or, in lieu of that, the air ducts. Do not leave your doors unlocked unless you'd like to wake up with your presents stolen.

Please leave me cookies. I enjoy snickerdoodles, Oreos, Nilla wafers, ladyfingers, butter cookies, sugar cookies, Christmas cookies, and chocolate chip, to name a few. I do NOT like ruggeleh, Ritz crackers, tuna sandwiches, knockwurst, or anything with anise in it. And stop leaving carrots and celery for my reindeer...unless you want reindeer poop on your roof.

Some people call me Santa Claus, some call me Kris Kringle. Some say I'm Saint Nicholas and others say I'm Father Christmas. I am not worthy of sainthood, ho ho ho!, I'll tell you that. And I am nobody's father, either. And you can call me whatever you like, as long as you remember the whole reason for Christmas isn't about me and it's not about toys. It's about the birth of Christ, the savior. All the commercials for all the merchandise in the world can't change that!

And don't be alarmed by imposter Santas. There are many, and none are sanctioned by me, but most of the time, they're harmless. In fact, I'm glad they're around. I've got a lot of preparations to do and I can't make it to every mall, drugstore, and parade there is. I do make some appearances on my own, however...but I'll never announce which ones are actually me. Oh, and sometimes you'll see people shoddily dressed like me with a fake beard and shabby suit. While I appreciate the homage, I will never ask for money or petition you for favors. Don't be swindled.

One last thing, the reindeer wanted me to point out...Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder (yes, DonDer), and Blitzen have long ago retired. They were great reindeer, well worth their fame. But each year I pick my eight best reindeer to pull the sleigh with a full turnover about every five years or so. This year, I'll be lead by Garland, Truman, Fiddledash, Hansel, Pickles, Parsnips, Fritzen, and Pretzel. Rudolph won't be joining us, but after that foggy night when he lead the team, I made sure to equip the sleigh with a foglight. We colored it red and named it the Rudolph II. Original, I know, but we had to pay tribute!

There were other things that the Jolly Old Elf and I discussed, but those affairs are private. I do need to pass along one final note, from Santa Claus. And this is a direct quote:

"I have never slashed anyone's bed, Victoria. Not now, not ever. I'm into sleighs, not slaying!"

Merry Christmas!!!