Who are you?

"Who are you?" he screamed.
"No one of import. Another lover of the blade."
"I must know!"
"Get used to disappointment."

Those are now classic words written in William Goldman's "The Princess Bride". A dialogue between two expert swordsmen, Inigo Montoya and the Man in Black, while fencing that seems to hold an even more allegorical context.

Who are you? Who are any of us? This is the question that came to mind today when my friend Tiffany and I were discussing which picture she should use for her MySpace website. It's a question I have pondered often when reading vanity plates or email addresses.

It seems like such a throwaway activity, both fun and inconsequential. But what we often don't realize is that we are pigeonholing ourselves into a certain context. The license plate "CUBSFAN" belongs, obviously, to a fan of the Chicago Cubs. Grandma97@email.com must clearly address a woman whose children have had children (perhaps 97 grandchildren, or in 1997, or perhaps she herself is 97 years old). But is that it?

I am a lot of things. A son, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, an uncle, a Godfather, a grandson, a friend. I am an actor, a writer, a singer, a director, a producer, a blogger, a singing cupcake decorator. I am a Catholic, a conservative Republican, a Caucasian half-Puerto Rican, a Hoosier, an American. I am fatter than I want to be, balder than I want to be, blinder than I want to be, and shorter than I want to be. I am a college graduate and I am still learning new things all the time. I am a Cubs fan, a Colts fan, a Pacers fan, a Purdue fan. I am a dog lover, a Seinfeld enthusiast, a fan of The Shield and Scrubs. I love the Fall colors, the coziness of Winter, the freshness of Spring and the freedom of Summer. I listen to Stephen Sondheim and Paul Simon and Ben Folds. I am a guy who once ate 13 lobsters in one sitting. My favorite color is green and my favorite number is 6. I am perpetually poor and I am always rich. I am Daniel, Danny, Dan, Gil, Boo, Glodys, Larry, Dubin, Mr. Argyle, Mr. Marrero, Mr. Numero, Mrs. Moreno. I am optimistic, realistic, idealistic, and romantic. I am honest and a good liar, loving and hateful, generous and stingy, loyal and underhanded.

The thing is, I could go on all day. Any one of us could. So how can I tell Tiffany which picture is the best for her profile? Does she want to be known first as someone's friend, someone's lover, someone's daughter, someone's coach, her dog's owner? Maybe she wants to use a solo picture, but should it be funny or serious, casual or formal? I can't answer these things for her. I can't even answer them for me. Because she, like I, is so many things to so many people, she can't put one label on it. Nor can I. I'm not sure it's possible to know all the things you are.

So, who am I? Get used to disappointment.