My Mom

What can I tell you about my mom?

She frequently forwards emails to me that say things like "If I don't get this back, I'll take the hint", yet, I never send them back and she still hasn't gotten the hint!

When you go with her to a live show (say, "Le Reve" for instance), she's constantly leaning over and saying things like, "I think that was a mistake" or "I don't think that was supposed to happen". Apparently, these professionals are a bunch of amateurs.

Through the first 18 years of my life (at least as long as I lived at home), she couldn't remember that my name wasn't my brother's. She constantly called me "Staniel".

On my twenty-first birthday, her main concern was that my brothers and father didn't hire any hookers for me.

At the end of every phone conversation, she says "Bye. I love you. Bye." It's almost like saying "P.S." after the first goodbye.

She conveniently forgets one crucial rule in any board game, and then blames everyone else for not reminding her when she starts to lose. (Hence, she never loses, because all strategy is lost when you constantly have to remind your opponent all the ways she's supposed to beat you.)

When on my first day alone at college I called to tell her I burned my wet socks in the microwave, she didn't tell me "Don't put your socks in the microwave, idiot." Instead, she gave me helpful hints on how to better dry my socks in the microwave.

She thinks if she yells into the phone she'll be able to magically hear me better.

And while we're on the topic of phones, she doesn't ever check her voice mail. So when I've finished leaving my detailed message, she calls back almost immediately and I have to tell it all to her again.

Each year we have contests to see who can pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby and the Indy 500. Despite being given 3 picks for the Derby and 5 for the 500, she always wants one more for a "long shot".

I'm a collector of junk, and you can guess who I get it from. She'll even save me those little fake credit cards you get in the mail...whatever it is, she tells me "you can use it in one of your plays".


Only my mom could drag me to see a Neil Diamond impersonator twice in one week.


Whenever I come to visit, she wants me to make my special omelets or my Irish stew or some other dish...then she takes me out to eat instead.

She is getting shorter. In another 20 years, we'll lose her in behind an end table.

When I was little, she used to buy me Smurfs. One day she brought home a rare, collectible one and I tore it apart, so she bought another one and still has it wrapped up in her dresser drawer, somewhere.

She lived in Indiana and she wanted to live in Florida, so she moved to Florida. Then she wanted to live in Indiana, so she moved to Indiana. Then she wanted to live in Florida, so she moved to Florida. Now she's in Florida and she wants to move to Indiana.

A few years back, I got this stupid little singing, rubber birthday cake. Now I get phone calls from my mom on everyone else's birthday to call them and "play the cake".

She called me when I was at a Purdue football game to give me the score of the game I was at...and she was wrong!

Ah, my mom. She's not all there...but I love her just the same. Whether it's Mother's Day or any of the other 364 days of the year, I hope she knows I wouldn't have her any other way.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!