A message from Santa Claus

I'm not sure I've mentioned this to you kiddies out there, but Santa Claus and I are pretty good friends. I was speaking with him just the other day and he passed on a lot of information. Tips and suggestions, really. As it is Christmas Eve, I felt it appropriate to share some of this with you. From Santa Claus:

You can tell a lot about a child by the presents they ask for. Some examples:

• A child who sits on my lap and asks for more than 5 presents really isn't picky at all and will be just as happy with a pair of roller skates as with a Nintendo Wii.
• A child who wants one really expensive gift, like a PlayStation 3 or a pony is either a spoiled, only child, or should be prepared for disappointment.
• Any child who asks for a pair of shoes so that her mother can dance one more time is clearly contrived of fiction and should probably take tea with the Easter bunny.
• If the child asks for a pair of hop-along boots, he is probably named "Barney" (if not that, "Ben".)
• If the child asks for a hula hoop, he may not be a child at all. Rather, he is probably a chipmunk named "Alvin".
• When a child begins to ask for things like "World peace" or "an end to hunger", that child no longer believes in me and should stop being sent to sit on my lap. I deliver toys, blast it! Toys!!

On that note, here's some advice to the parents. Please stop writing out little "From Santa" tags for things like thermal underwear and socks. My elves and I work very hard all year long to make the finest toys and games...please don't damage my reputation with a 6 pack of mid-calf athletic socks sewn by a family in Honduras. Kids don't want socks, and we don't make 'em. If they need them, fine! Buy them and tell them they're from you!

What else? What else? Ah, yes. The whole chimney thing. I magically appear in your house via the chimney, or, in lieu of that, the air ducts. Do not leave your doors unlocked unless you'd like to wake up with your presents stolen.

Please leave me cookies. I enjoy snickerdoodles, Oreos, Nilla wafers, ladyfingers, butter cookies, sugar cookies, Christmas cookies, and chocolate chip, to name a few. I do NOT like ruggeleh, Ritz crackers, tuna sandwiches, knockwurst, or anything with anise in it. And stop leaving carrots and celery for my reindeer...unless you want reindeer poop on your roof.

Some people call me Santa Claus, some call me Kris Kringle. Some say I'm Saint Nicholas and others say I'm Father Christmas. I am not worthy of sainthood, ho ho ho!, I'll tell you that. And I am nobody's father, either. And you can call me whatever you like, as long as you remember the whole reason for Christmas isn't about me and it's not about toys. It's about the birth of Christ, the savior. All the commercials for all the merchandise in the world can't change that!

And don't be alarmed by imposter Santas. There are many, and none are sanctioned by me, but most of the time, they're harmless. In fact, I'm glad they're around. I've got a lot of preparations to do and I can't make it to every mall, drugstore, and parade there is. I do make some appearances on my own, however...but I'll never announce which ones are actually me. Oh, and sometimes you'll see people shoddily dressed like me with a fake beard and shabby suit. While I appreciate the homage, I will never ask for money or petition you for favors. Don't be swindled.

One last thing, the reindeer wanted me to point out...Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder (yes, DonDer), and Blitzen have long ago retired. They were great reindeer, well worth their fame. But each year I pick my eight best reindeer to pull the sleigh with a full turnover about every five years or so. This year, I'll be lead by Garland, Truman, Fiddledash, Hansel, Pickles, Parsnips, Fritzen, and Pretzel. Rudolph won't be joining us, but after that foggy night when he lead the team, I made sure to equip the sleigh with a foglight. We colored it red and named it the Rudolph II. Original, I know, but we had to pay tribute!

There were other things that the Jolly Old Elf and I discussed, but those affairs are private. I do need to pass along one final note, from Santa Claus. And this is a direct quote:

"I have never slashed anyone's bed, Victoria. Not now, not ever. I'm into sleighs, not slaying!"

Merry Christmas!!!

November Lint Trap

Happy December!

I made it through the entire month of November without posting anything, but it's not because I didn't want to.

First, there was the election. And anyone who knows me knows that watching the returns was like a slow death with a dull knife. I began to write a post but saved it to come back to it later, and alas, now it's too late. (Enough already, Dan! What are your projections for 2008?) You want to know? Here:

Republicans will NOT regain the House of Representatives in 2008. I look at it this way. There are obviously some problems with Republicans in the minds of voters. If Republicans had been able to identify these problems before the election, they could have corrected them in time to win the election. But they didn't. So, before they can set off on a path to regain a Congressional majority, they have to figure out why they lost it. The reason, I'll tell you, is simple. They abandoned their Conservative base. They spent money wildly and were wishy-washy on a number of domestic and social issues. Conservative voters don't just seek better answers...they seek the best answers. Our incumbent Republicans couldn't offer that.

Many Conservatives have openly identified this as the problem, but when voting for minority leadership positions, Republicans did NOT advance conservatism. They're getting further from the solution instead of closer to it. Then to consider that we'll need MANY conservatives (as "all politics is local") and we can only identify a few, there's a lot of ground to be made up.

On the other hand, I think the Senate has a chance to swing back into the "Red State" column. Don't misunderstand me. I think the Senate has got the same problems as the House, and they've handled themselves similarly. But there is only a small number of seats to be gained, and Democrats in power have a way of making themselves quite unlikeable.

As for the White House...it really is too soon to tell. A lot depends on who is running, and so far that's up in the air. Democrats are in a position to win the White House and I'll tell you why. Right now, they have the majority. Take one or two away, and they've STILL got the majority. Their majority can support their candidate from a position of power. If it's Hillary, "Hey! She's our leader and we're going to work together to blah blah blah...".

Take a look at Republicans, on the other hand. If a great Republican candidate emerges from the House or the Senate, he or she would have to abandon the cause of regaining that House of Congress for presidential aspirations. Conversely, if the GOP candidate comes from the President's administration, that candidate will be painted as "more of the same" and will have a very rough road ahead. Governors and mayors, while part of the Executive branch and therefore seemingly well qualified, often have trouble getting national name recognition. Schwarzenegger can't run and Jeb Bush simply won't, leaving about three current executive officers with any name recognition. Pataki (NY), Romney (MA), and the governor of whatever state you live in. (That said, four of the last five presidents were governors first.)

2008 is not looking bright for my party of fellow elephants. But I wish the Democrats well. Anything less would be like loaning an enemy your car and hoping they wreck it. And that's just dumb.
--

• My Indianapolis Colts are looking pretty damn good! 10-1 through November, a post-season berth well within their grasp.
• The Chicago Cubs have re-signed my favorite player, Aramis Ramirez, as well as Kerry Wood and Henry "Hank White" Blanco. Then to top it off, they've signed Alfonso Soriano to the 5th or 6th largest contract in baseball history!
• Purdue will play in the Champs Sports Bowl on December 29th.

--

My website, www.pennyslug.com, is coming along nicely (but slowly). On November 25th with the help of some friends, I recorded 13 songs in my basement. Eleven of those will be released periodically throughout the next year. The whole thing was a logistical nightmare, but the session itself was a lot of laughs and the end results will be well worth it.

When that site is finally launched, it will be dedicated to comedy, which means you'll still be able to read about all those serious things (like chorizo races and cupcakes) here on this blog.

--

"Scrubs" has returned to NBC with all new episodes! We can all breathe a huge sigh of comic relief. "30 Rock" is great too, and Alec Baldwin is wonderful. I've always thought so, even if he is a dirty liberal.

Meanwhile, I haven't stopped watching and enjoying "Seinfeld", even after seeing Michael Richards' embarrassing racist rant. "Will it end his career?" came the questions. My answer: "Seinfeld" was his career. Sure, he did other things, but never reached the fame and will never again enjoy the success that "Seinfeld" brought.

In all honesty, does it matter? He's an actor, not a policy maker. He can say whatever he wants and we can not listen. I mean, if a tree falls in the forest, and a video of it circulates on the internet, does it matter?

--

I caught two more mice in my house, bringing the total to ten. These were crafty little buggers, and for awhile I thought it was just one really smart mouse, but after several weeks (weeks!!!) I was finally able to catch them...within hours of each other!

--

That's it for November. It's December, and from day one: SNOW! Happy shovelling!